Tommy Jr's jumping jacks...

After losing Tommy, I guess it's only natural to wonder if there were any warning signs or anything we could have done to prevent his cord accident.  There were a few times he did some quick, fluttering movements that I asked my previous doctor about.  He replied that was completely normal.  We called them his jumping jacks.  The year after he died, while going to therapy, the possibility occurred to me (or so I thought) that maybe just maybe he was having seizures from a kink in his cord.  This brought a whole new wave of grief and even guilt as I wondered if that may have been the case.  So much so, that I decided to change doctors with this pregnancy...  Since I've started to feel Tace move and prayed and pondered on it, however, I am beginning to think that my doctor was totally right as he has also been about there supposedly being nothing "wrong" with me and my pregnancies besides a run of bad luck.  My new doctor said she would only be worried if I felt frantic movement followed by complete stillness, and that she had heard of only one case such as that and the baby was having a seizure and did die. That was not the case for me, so I'm sure Tommy's jumping jacks were just little shakies that babies do as they wake up or just being hyper or whatever.  The perinatologist said cord accidents are usually acute occurrences, but I told him that the way and degree to which it was twisted seemed to me that it would have been a long time in the making because I don't think he had room to flip around and twist it so much...who knows.  I'll start stress-tests twice a week starting at 33 or 34 weeks (they start them two weeks before the previous pregnancy loss).  That will be awesome, because they test the heart rate both awake and asleep and fluid levels; both of which would indicate any problems with the cord.  I'm sure everything will be fine, and we are all so excited for Tacen to get here!!! :)

BOY OH BOY!!!

Wow, I haven't posted for a long time!  We're having a boy and we couldn't be happier!  I was so nervous about the possibility of the baby being a boy and then one night about a week or so before we found out, Mila said, "I guess it's ok if it's a boy" and for some reason all my anxiety melted away!  I don't know why that's what it took, but it worked.  Over the next several days I started really wanting and hoping that it was a boy, but not wanting to get my hopes up too high...it was so awesome.  I think I had to overcome the thought of replacing Tommy and now I love that I can call them my 'boys.'  As we left the ultrasound just elated, Mila said, "Can we name him Tacen?" Hmmm...we'll see.  Well that's grown on us and now he's our little Tacen Jack or Tace for short! I made up the spelling so it's different than Jason or Jaysen, or Tyson or Tayland for that matter :)  Amazing how Mila has been such a huge part in this and Tommy too---I feel even closer to him.  I'm so happy and grateful for my little family!!!  ~ Tom, Talitha, Mila, Tommy Jr. and Tacen ~

No problems? No problem!

So the latest test I had for a rare blood-clotting disorder came back negative.  I thought for sure I had it, but I don't and I'm just grateful for my health :)  I guess we may never know why we've had so much trouble, but it's ok...we keep going forward with faith and God has fulfilled his promise to me to give me success if I did that.  My baby is 3 months along and we are so excited!  I have some mixed emotions also, which I guess is to be expected, such as how can I love another baby? I guess that's why I want it to be a girl---I don't want to "replace" my little boy...though I know I never will, I just don't think I'm ready for another boy yet.
I do think it's interesting that my first doctor has been right in assuming nothing was necessarily the matter (as far as we know) but that's just it, assuming isn't enough for a mother who wants to know she's tried everything in her power to get her babies here safely!  I feel bad for changing doctors, because if he knew about my additional 2 miscarriages I've had since I've left him, he might have changed his mind, but how could I live with myself thinking I could have possibly saved it?  Also, I still wonder if those 5 embryos had spirits...if so, I'll be a busy woman in the millennium!  All for now I guess...  I hope I haven't complained too much.  I'm just so blessed to have an awesome husband, my Mila, Tommy, and this baby too :)

Great news...

 Baby, Baby, Baby, OH!!!!!!!!!!!!

Life is good!  Baby is 11 weeks and goin' strong.  Mila prays for a girl and asked me, "What is it? What does Heavenly Father tell you...in your heart?"  Wow.  I love the perfect faith.  She is so sweet...it better be a girl!!!



Poor Mila!  We were hiking Doughnut Falls and the water was freezing.  She took her shoes off to dip her toes and Tom plopped her right in the ice-cold water...and took this hilarious picture!




Mila's 6th Birthday was so fun!  Look how stinkin' adorable she is!  She wanted to get her ears pierced, and I told her that it wasn't as bad as her kindergarten shots and she'd be fine.

"That DID hurt more than my shots and you LIED!"

Oops...guess I was wrong.  She didn't cry though :)

We had a great party for her and she thinks she's a big girl now.  I can't believe how big my baby is.  We still love to cuddle in bed and sing "Baby Mine" and she says she'll always be my baby.

We had a beautiful birthday celebration for Tommy's second birthday.  His blankie and jammies still smell like him!  I keep some of his stuff in a plastic bag to preserve the smell.  I like to think he is preparing his little (sister) to come to us when there are times she is still in heaven and in my belly at the same time...hard to explain, but the transition is gradual for the first several weeks I think.  He is our precious angel and example.  

I signed with a talent agency to hopefully do some acting, singing, and maybe modeling. Then I got prego, and couldn't be happier, but I still got a singing gig and it was so fun!  It was at the ESA and there were like 13,000 people there!  I was just a back-up singer, but it was so cool and I'll get paid too :)

I've had a possible medical break-through, but i'm still awaiting results, so I'll explain next time...
  

2011 pics

Here's a little look at a few of my favorite pictures from this year so far...  I'm not a very consistent blogger, and I also realized that I don't have a lot of pictures up, so here's my attempt to catch up a little!  :)

Happy Easter Tommy!  We miss you so.

Primary Pirate Party

This picture is so awesome!

Fun with Livi's

Dance recital :)

She does stuff like this randomly...

Superheroes!!!

Cutest Pink Tiger EVER!

Us in Vegas for my 30th Birthday!  I'm so mature now ;)

My Grandpa in Idaho...a moment I will never forget.  He didn't recognize us and when my dad told him he was Bruce, he said, "Ya Bruce, he's a good boy" and my dad cried.  It was so sweet.

Kindergarten?!?!  My baby and her little BFF Hailey :)

More to come...

Beautiful Uterus...

Funny title, but I had the saline sonogram and the doc said, "You couldn't find better Real Estate" and that the uterus was beautiful and healthy, and great ovaries too. So I was a little disappointed, because that could be repaired, but as I left I felt peace that everything would be ok and gratitude for a healthy body as far as we can tell. So, it's not an autoimmune disorder, not a hormone issue, not a uterine malformation that has caused these 5 miscarriages. It very well could be a run of bad luck! The doc. said the only other thing they could test for is a chromosome thing that either Tom or I could carry, but the testing is $1,600 and you can't fix it even if you do have it. It's extremely rare, but it is still possible to have children, just with higher chances of miscarriage than successful pregnancies. And as we well know, you can have a perfectly healthy pregnancy and still have a cord accident...stinks that we've had issues with both, but so be it. So, whether I have that chromosome issue or not, I feel positive that we just need to keep trying and like my scriptures said, He (God) will give us success! I feel happy and like we are where we need to be. If several years go by, we may consider adoption, but for now, we don't feel inspired to do so. Hopefully that means we'll have another baby soon :)
I'm so thankful for my Mila and Angel Tommy. I completely trust my Heavenly Father and so no matter what, I have the peace of knowing that all will be made right in the next life when Jesus returns and we have proven ourselves in this life.

It's ok

Well, I went in for my ultrasound and sadly there was no heartbeat. The doc says I can do the ultrasound for my uterus after I have my period and we can see if that is the issue. I wonder if it's not, perhaps my first doctor was right that nothing is wrong with me. My thyroid is back in normal range and I'm still going to miscarry (sometime in the next week or so).

So I decided there was no way I was going to cancel my date with Tate. Last night, I took Tayland to the Mother and Son Fiesta in South Salt Lake. It was wonderful to spend time just the two of us and how special. I thought maybe Heather and Tommy Jr. might be having their own little fiesta watching us!

Interestingly, I woke up this morning feeling so at peace and dare I even say happy. I felt guilty to feel that way until I realized it was a gift of comfort from the Holy Ghost and why feel guilty about that?! No doubt the prayers and faith of my loved ones have given me this gift and I thank you with all my heart. I just feel like it is not the right time or that I had to have all these miscarriages (this is 5) to find the problem.

Here is the most beautiful part: I went to a Women's Conference where Sister Wendy Nelson spoke, and she challenged us to take our specific questions straight to the scriptures starting with the Book of Mormon. Say a prayer first, then start reading and don't stop until you find an answer. So last night I took the question, "Why is it that I have had so many miscarriages, is there something I can learn from this?"

I opened up to 1 Nephi 8, which is Lehi's vision of the tree of life. The verse that stood out to me was 33: "And after they did enter into that building they did point the finger of scorn at me and those that were partaking the fruit also, but we headed them not."

'That's strange' I thought 'Nobody is making fun of me for my beliefs.' but still it stood out and there was a cross reference by the word "scorn" So 'ok' I thought 'I'll go there' It was Alma 26 and Ammon is getting flack for going to preach to the Lamanites and they make fun of him for the idea. Then in verse 27 he says:

"NOW OUR HEARTS WERE DEPRESSED, AND WE WERE ABOUT TO TURN BACK, BEHOLD THE LORD COMFORTED US, AND SAID: GO AMONGST THY BRETHEREN THE LAMANITES AND BEAR WITH PATIENCE THINE AFFLICTIONS, AND I WILL GIVE UNTO YOU SUCCESS."

Needless to say a powerful feeling rushed through my whole body. Bear it with patience and He will give me success!!!!! I think I have learned so much about patience: not just when it's convenient or on the second or third but the fifth or however many time you have to face something, you simply do not lose faith or give up. I cannot give up, the Lord has promised me, personally, through the scriptures and the power of the Holy Ghost success! I am so thankful for the counsel from Sister Nelson, and that my dear friend Tiffany forgot about dance that night so that I could go to it!

Perhaps the significance of the way I found that verse through the concept of scorn for someone's beliefs is that someone reading this may (in no belligerent way) think that this was a coincidence or just a delusional experience on my part, and so to them I say: try it. Pray to God and exercise even a desire to know the truth of something and He will speak to you through the Holy Ghost. It is real. I love Him and His Son Jesus Christ. Because of Christ's Atonement, I have become more of who I want to be and He forgives me every time I mess up. It's unreal, but at the same time very real indeed!