Hanks Family

BOY OH BOY!!!

2012-01-20T12:45:00.000-08:00

Wow, I haven't posted for a long time! We're having a boy and we couldn't be happier! I was so nervous about the possibility of the baby being a boy and then one night about a week or so before we found out, Mila said, "I guess it's ok if it's a boy" and for some reason all my anxiety melted away! I don't know why that's what it took, but it worked. Over the next several days I started really wanting and hoping that it was a boy, but not wanting to get my hopes up too high...it was so awesome. I think I had to overcome the thought of replacing Tommy and now I love that I can call them my 'boys.' As we left the ultrasound just elated, Mila said, "Can we name him Tacen?" Hmmm...we'll see. Well that's grown on us and now he's our little Tacen Jack or Tace for short! I made up the spelling so it's different than Jason or Jaysen, or Tyson or Tayland for that matter :) Amazing how Mila has been such a huge part in this and Tommy too---I feel even closer to him. I'm so happy and grateful for my little family!!! ~ Tom, Talitha, Mila, Tommy Jr. and Tacen ~

No problems? No problem!

2011-11-16T13:17:00.001-08:00

So the latest test I had for a rare blood-clotting disorder came back negative. I thought for sure I had it, but I don't and I'm just grateful for my health :) I guess we may never know why we've had so much trouble, but it's ok...we keep going forward with faith and God has fulfilled his promise to me to give me success if I did that. My baby is 3 months along and we are so excited! I have some mixed emotions also, which I guess is to be expected, such as how can I love another baby? I guess that's why I want it to be a girl---I don't want to "replace" my little boy...though I know I never will, I just don't think I'm ready for another boy yet.
I do think it's interesting that my first doctor has been right in assuming nothing was necessarily the matter (as far as we know) but that's just it, assuming isn't enough for a mother who wants to know she's tried everything in her power to get her babies here safely! I feel bad for changing doctors, because if he knew about my additional 2 miscarriages I've had since I've left him, he might have changed his mind, but how could I live with myself thinking I could have possibly saved it? Also, I still wonder if those 5 embryos had spirits...if so, I'll be a busy woman in the millennium! All for now I guess... I hope I haven't complained too much. I'm just so blessed to have an awesome husband, my Mila, Tommy, and this baby too :)

Great news...

2011-11-05T11:20:00.000-07:00

Baby, Baby, Baby, OH!!!!!!!!!!!!

Life is good! Baby is 11 weeks and goin' strong. Mila prays for a girl and asked me, "What is it? What does Heavenly Father tell you...in your heart?" Wow. I love the perfect faith. She is so sweet...it better be a girl!!!

Poor Mila! We were hiking Doughnut Falls and the water was freezing. She took her shoes off to dip her toes and Tom plopped her right in the ice-cold water...and took this hilarious picture!

Mila's 6th Birthday was so fun! Look how stinkin' adorable she is! She wanted to get her ears pierced, and I told her that it wasn't as bad as her kindergarten shots and she'd be fine.

"That DID hurt more than my shots and you LIED!"

Oops...guess I was wrong. She didn't cry though :)

We had a great party for her and she thinks she's a big girl now. I can't believe how big my baby is. We still love to cuddle in bed and sing "Baby Mine" and she says she'll always be my baby.

We had a beautiful birthday celebration for Tommy's second birthday. His blankie and jammies still smell like him! I keep some of his stuff in a plastic bag to preserve the smell. I like to think he is preparing his little (sister) to come to us when there are times she is still in heaven and in my belly at the same time...hard to explain, but the transition is gradual for the first several weeks I think. He is our precious angel and example.

I signed with a talent agency to hopefully do some acting, singing, and maybe modeling. Then I got prego, and couldn't be happier, but I still got a singing gig and it was so fun! It was at the ESA and there were like 13,000 people there! I was just a back-up singer, but it was so cool and I'll get paid too :)

I've had a possible medical break-through, but i'm still awaiting results, so I'll explain next time...

2011 pics

2011-09-20T13:32:00.000-07:00

Here's a little look at a few of my favorite pictures from this year so far... I'm not a very consistent blogger, and I also realized that I don't have a lot of pictures up, so here's my attempt to catch up a little! :)


Happy Easter Tommy! We miss you so.


Primary Pirate Party


This picture is so awesome!


Fun with Livi's


Dance recital :)


She does stuff like this randomly...


Superheroes!!!


Cutest Pink Tiger EVER!


Us in Vegas for my 30th Birthday! I'm so mature now ;)


My Grandpa in Idaho...a moment I will never forget. He didn't recognize us and when my dad told him he was Bruce, he said, "Ya Bruce, he's a good boy" and my dad cried. It was so sweet.


Kindergarten?!?! My baby and her little BFF Hailey :)

More to come...

Beautiful Uterus...

2011-07-04T10:30:00.000-07:00

Funny title, but I had the saline sonogram and the doc said, "You couldn't find better Real Estate" and that the uterus was beautiful and healthy, and great ovaries too. So I was a little disappointed, because that could be repaired, but as I left I felt peace that everything would be ok and gratitude for a healthy body as far as we can tell. So, it's not an autoimmune disorder, not a hormone issue, not a uterine malformation that has caused these 5 miscarriages. It very well could be a run of bad luck! The doc. said the only other thing they could test for is a chromosome thing that either Tom or I could carry, but the testing is $1,600 and you can't fix it even if you do have it. It's extremely rare, but it is still possible to have children, just with higher chances of miscarriage than successful pregnancies. And as we well know, you can have a perfectly healthy pregnancy and still have a cord accident...stinks that we've had issues with both, but so be it. So, whether I have that chromosome issue or not, I feel positive that we just need to keep trying and like my scriptures said, He (God) will give us success! I feel happy and like we are where we need to be. If several years go by, we may consider adoption, but for now, we don't feel inspired to do so. Hopefully that means we'll have another baby soon :)
I'm so thankful for my Mila and Angel Tommy. I completely trust my Heavenly Father and so no matter what, I have the peace of knowing that all will be made right in the next life when Jesus returns and we have proven ourselves in this life.

It's ok

2011-05-07T10:55:00.000-07:00

Well, I went in for my ultrasound and sadly there was no heartbeat. The doc says I can do the ultrasound for my uterus after I have my period and we can see if that is the issue. I wonder if it's not, perhaps my first doctor was right that nothing is wrong with me. My thyroid is back in normal range and I'm still going to miscarry (sometime in the next week or so).

So I decided there was no way I was going to cancel my date with Tate. Last night, I took Tayland to the Mother and Son Fiesta in South Salt Lake. It was wonderful to spend time just the two of us and how special. I thought maybe Heather and Tommy Jr. might be having their own little fiesta watching us!

Interestingly, I woke up this morning feeling so at peace and dare I even say happy. I felt guilty to feel that way until I realized it was a gift of comfort from the Holy Ghost and why feel guilty about that?! No doubt the prayers and faith of my loved ones have given me this gift and I thank you with all my heart. I just feel like it is not the right time or that I had to have all these miscarriages (this is 5) to find the problem.

Here is the most beautiful part: I went to a Women's Conference where Sister Wendy Nelson spoke, and she challenged us to take our specific questions straight to the scriptures starting with the Book of Mormon. Say a prayer first, then start reading and don't stop until you find an answer. So last night I took the question, "Why is it that I have had so many miscarriages, is there something I can learn from this?"

I opened up to 1 Nephi 8, which is Lehi's vision of the tree of life. The verse that stood out to me was 33: "And after they did enter into that building they did point the finger of scorn at me and those that were partaking the fruit also, but we headed them not."

'That's strange' I thought 'Nobody is making fun of me for my beliefs.' but still it stood out and there was a cross reference by the word "scorn" So 'ok' I thought 'I'll go there' It was Alma 26 and Ammon is getting flack for going to preach to the Lamanites and they make fun of him for the idea. Then in verse 27 he says:

"NOW OUR HEARTS WERE DEPRESSED, AND WE WERE ABOUT TO TURN BACK, BEHOLD THE LORD COMFORTED US, AND SAID: GO AMONGST THY BRETHEREN THE LAMANITES AND BEAR WITH PATIENCE THINE AFFLICTIONS, AND I WILL GIVE UNTO YOU SUCCESS."

Needless to say a powerful feeling rushed through my whole body. Bear it with patience and He will give me success!!!!! I think I have learned so much about patience: not just when it's convenient or on the second or third but the fifth or however many time you have to face something, you simply do not lose faith or give up. I cannot give up, the Lord has promised me, personally, through the scriptures and the power of the Holy Ghost success! I am so thankful for the counsel from Sister Nelson, and that my dear friend Tiffany forgot about dance that night so that I could go to it!

Perhaps the significance of the way I found that verse through the concept of scorn for someone's beliefs is that someone reading this may (in no belligerent way) think that this was a coincidence or just a delusional experience on my part, and so to them I say: try it. Pray to God and exercise even a desire to know the truth of something and He will speak to you through the Holy Ghost. It is real. I love Him and His Son Jesus Christ. Because of Christ's Atonement, I have become more of who I want to be and He forgives me every time I mess up. It's unreal, but at the same time very real indeed!

well...

2011-05-06T08:43:00.000-07:00

First signs of spotting today :( But it was just a little, and the doc said from my last ultrasound that there was some blood in the uterus which can or cannot be anything to worry about, so I've been really optimistic. We'll have to wait and see. I hate being so powerless, but my faith is strong that the Lord has a plan for us. The doc also said that if I do miscarry, he wants to ex-ray my uterus to see if it is mis-shaped. But I am still hoping for this Christmas miracle (my due date is Christmas!) I have another ultrasound on Monday, so hopefully we'll see a heartbeat. I don't want to lose this pregnancy (it's too hard to call it a baby yet) on Mother's Day I really don't...

one more theory

2011-04-21T08:53:00.000-07:00

So I got the numb feeling in my face, roof of my mouth, and some on my legs again yesterday and felt super tired...no earrings, no necklace, so I guess that's out too. My last guess is this other vitamin supplement which has para-aminobenzoic acid or PABA in it that I've been taking but sometimes forget so that would explain the inconsistency. A lot of sunscreens say PABA-free and people can be allergic to it, so that could be it! I also keep getting a slightly sore throat and my left ear does keep getting red and burning and the lymph node behind it and my throat gland on that side has been a swollen for over a month. When I press on it (the one behind my ear) it makes my ear burn and turn red immediately, I guess it's fighting off infection or some allergy. What the crap. I already got tested for Mono and that was negative too. Oh well, I'm pregnant and not spotting and that's all that matters as long as I don't have some weird disease or at risk of stoke or something which I'm sure is not the case, but hey I get a little paranoid after Bradford's random heart infection that should have killed him. It's gotta be that supplement, so I'll go off it and see if I start to get better. What an extremely lame, boring post.

AWESOME!!!

2011-04-18T15:05:00.000-07:00

No autoimmune disorder so far (I guess there are a couple more tests that haven't come back yet) But YAY!!! I'm guessing the weird numb spells must have been the darn earrings I put in for a couple weeks so my ears wouldn't close up! Who'da thought all this would happen at the same time!!! Last time I wore some was over a week ago and I had some numbness several days later, but maybe that was from my necklace?? I don't know what the crap, but I don't really care right now! Because, here's the best news... My HCG is up to 225! YAY :) So I'm pressing forward. Also, I've been on the Thyroid meds for 5 days now, and I don't feel like a zombie! YAY! Things are looking good :) I'm so thankful.

Um...wow.

2011-04-17T11:17:00.000-07:00

I just barely got on the Thyroid meds Wednesday and Friday I found out I'm pregnant... What?! Ahhh! YAY! Scared! Happy! Nervous! Good thing I canceled my appt in May and found a different doctor that could get me in sooner due to a lucky cancellation ;)

Oddly, my allergy tests came back negative. I was just blaming every reaction/symptom on the last thing I ate, which was why I couldn't pin down what it was! No allergies. So, the suspense of waiting for the autoimmune tests is killing me! There's got to be something causing them, but they're not bad. They were worse when I was taking the iodine suppllement, and I read that sometimes people find out they have autoimmune disorders after drinking iodine for an x-ray, like the iodine makes it manifest itself or whatever. So that's a blessing in disguise that I had the symptoms surface so we could do the testing. Now I just hope that the Thyroid meds are all my body needs to have a healthy pregnancy.

My HCG count is only 50 and the nurse said that usually it is 100 by the time you miss your period, but since my cycles are not regular we just have to test again on Monday to make sure it doubles at least... Progesterone level is fine but I'm taking it and the Asprin just in case.

So until next time, wish me luck!

Health...

2011-04-14T12:32:00.000-07:00

Wow I'm overdue for a new post, but life is crazy and the thought of trying to "catch-up" on my blog is overwhelming. There have been some new developments in my health: I went to a fertility endocrinologist yesterday and I got a family doctor who I really like too. She (my family doc) studies hormones a lot and had the intuition to test my Thyroid (T4) which is more specific than the standard Thyroid test my OB/GYN has done in the past. She also tested my adrenal glands. Thyroid T4 is low and adrenals are Very Low. Then she started me on a supplement and within a few weeks, I started developing weird allergic reactions. She figured it was the high dose of iodine in it (which is what makes people allergic to shellfish and naturally I wouldn't know that because I HATE seafood) so I stopped the supplement, but oddly these allergic reactions keep happening to peanuts, almonds, and wearing earrings! I get numb in the face and sometimes itchy around my jaw and neck and left ear, and the worst one is waking up breathing very shallow and throat tightening. So I decided to go further and see an endocrinologist...

He suspects I may have an autoimmune disorder that has attacked my thyroid and adrenal glands, and is causing these weird allergies and quite possibly my miscarriages!!! Yay, we're getting somewhere!

I feel a little bad that I was resentful toward my OB/GYN because he just said my thyroid was fine and I was feeling tired all the time because of my anemia (low iron). Well, I wonder what he would have said about the weird allergies, but I think this is all panning out like it should, because I needed to have more testing and that's not really his specialty. So I can keep all 3 doctors each for their own purpose! Oh add another, because the endocrinologist wants me to see an allergist ASAP. Ahh... now that I've explained it all---or tried to---I feel better.

So next we wait for results... Wish me luck! I don't know what it would mean, but hopefully it's something treatable. In the mean time, I started thyroid meds today and Doctor #3 says I should start feeling better soon :)

A I part 2

2011-02-17T15:59:00.000-08:00

So, I have to say I'm not all mad and bitter anymore...and that feels nice :) It made me really happy that they gave me a little moment on the show, because they didn't have to do that. I think if I had been more confident and sang perfectly, they could have sent me. Maybe they didn't want people to invest in me emotionally and then have me not be able to deliver!!! Or, since my story is very faith-centered, perhaps they don't want to push belief in God, although I hope that was not the case. Anyhoo, I genuinely feel like I did at the try-outs, that they (the producers) truly liked and respected me as a person, and that means a lot to me. I met tons of amazing singers who didn't even get a single shot on the air. So, sorry for being kinda rude about it, although I still think they're kinda mean for exploiting those deranged people who think they can sing, huh?!
Welp...That's all :)

Mila's Testimony

2011-02-03T07:04:00.001-08:00

Last Sunday our ward had Fast Sunday since we're having Stake Conference this Sunday... The Spirit in the meeting was very strong right from the start, and I was pretty emotional over the miscarriage so I was crying.
Mila looked at me and said "Mommy, do you want to bear your testimony?"
"Do you?" I said.
"Will you come with me?" she asked.
"Yes." I couldn't turn her down.
Never has she shown any interest in doing this before. So, up we went.
She looked at me to help her...
I whispered to her, "What do you know?"
"I know the church is true," she said.
"What else?" I whispered.
"I know the scriptures are true." she said.
Then I helped her with the rest a little... about Jesus and forever families. It was so sweet. Then I cried through my whole testimony, but that's ok :) It was so awesome to have that faith-building experience when I was hurting inside. It helped for me to express my testimony of Christ's Atonement to strengthen it. Even though life can be hard, I know it's all worth it. I love that little sweetheart so much...she is everything to me.

2011-01-26T10:27:00.000-08:00

Thank you Lord, for letting my heart be so full and so broken at the same time.

I thought I'd share this little video:

http://lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?autoplay=true&index=3&locale=0&sourceId=199b115277f06210VgnVCM100000176f620a____&vgnextoid=bd163ca6e9aa3210VgnVCM1000003a94610aRCRD

Thank you

2011-01-26T07:43:00.000-08:00

I feel some peace today, and I know everything will be ok. I'm thankful to my family and friends who have prayed for me---it sure is helping---thank you and I love you. May Heavenly Father bless you too.

:(

2011-01-24T18:08:00.000-08:00

Well, I started cramping really bad at about 2 am last night till the morning...we went to my doctor and his in-office (old and crappy) ultrasound could not detect a heartbeat, but he took blood to be sure. He said if somehow it was still going up, he'd order an ultrasound at the hospital to see if it was still alive, but now we know that is not the case. When it came back this afternoon my levels have gone down significantly. He said to keep him posted and go to the ER if I'm bleeding a ton, but not passing anything. Now the problem is that I'm bleeding about the same, but the cramping eased up... How long is it going to take to pass? I wonder if I am going to need a D&C, but the doctor says I shouldn't he thinks. So now, just like the past 4 weeks, I just wait helpless.

So I thought I'd put it on my blog, in case anybody asks, I can direct them here. It's sad but I know I just need to have faith and trust in God. I keep telling myself that I can't take it personally. Sometimes bad things just happen because we live in an imperfect world and have imperfect bodies. I just put so much stock into thinking there was a reason for this to be a miracle, and that I needed it. It doesn't necessarily mean I need to learn some grand lesson, I guess. This life was meant to be hard, and it is.

update

2011-01-22T15:07:00.000-08:00

The bleeding is picking up... but no cramping (except once last week).

My HCG levels are rising but very slowly...so we'll take it again Monday, then if it's still going up, an ultrasound. I think that will really raise my hopes to finally see a heartbeat :)

I've never bleed this much and over this amount of time (over 4 weeks) but I haven't miscarried, so I credit the progesterone. He just took me off the asprin, because I was wondering if my blood was getting too thin, and perhaps causing the steady bleeding.

He said it has nothing to do with my physical activity, and I didn't believe him at first. Then I prayed about it and felt the Spirit tell me that was true, so I'm not worried about every little move I make anymore. (Here's where the OCD came in: opening a jar, trying to poop, running home, cleaning, picking up my 20-month nieces, etc...) I kept thinking I needed to be on bedrest, but I felt like the answer was to keep living a normal lifestyle instead of lying in bed and worrying. If I were further along and bleeding, yes, I'd be in bed.

This is emotionally exhausting, but it will be worth it if my little bean makes it to a baby :)

Christmas Miracle!

2011-01-14T14:00:00.000-08:00

So, to start I must first apologize if my last post was a bit negative...I was in a bad mood, because I thought I was having a miscarriage...but I DIDN'T! That's right...I'm pregnant!!! The Lord must have sent this baby in a hurry, because I was about to get an IUD for a few years. I feel like now I can see the reasoning in recent events. I didn't make AI, and I had that miscarriage last year. Since it was my third, that allowed my Dr. to prescribe me Asprin and Progesterone this pregnancy, which I think is what may be saving this pregnancy, because I've been spotting for 2 weeks, but have not miscarried! In previous cases, blood always led to severe cramping and then a miscarriage within a week.

I found out when, a couple days before Christmas, my hips started hurting in the middle of the night (tell-tale sign for me) so I bought a test. I was so shocked, because I totally felt good about getting an IUD. I decided to wrap up the test and give it to Tom for Christmas, so I kept it to myself for 4 whole days!!! I kept telling him I didn't spend much money, and I hoped he would like it...he had no idea what was coming! It was awesome. It's crazy it showed up that early, because I wasn't as far along as I thought I would be, according to the date of my last period. So I'm only like 6 or 7 weeks along... But I think that had a purpose too, because I was able to start the Asprin and Progesterone right away :)

Happy, happy! Tom gave me a blessing, and though he didn't mention anything specific about the pregnancy, I feel really good about it! My faith is so strong now, and I felt like it was getting a little weak. And thank you so much for the prayers of my dear family and friends!

American Idol...

2011-01-05T08:41:00.000-08:00

So, I just wanted to say that I have been so upset about American Idol...I totally thought the producers loved me and wanted to do a feature on me, but when I stepped in the room with the judges I got the worst feeling---like there was nothing I could do. They just sat there ant stared at me, they didn't even say, "nice job" or anything! I did well on my first song, but it seemed to me that for whatever reason, they had already decided (or been told) to give me a "no" and they were just waiting for me to screw up. So I sang another song and half-way into it, I stopped and said, "Gosh, I'm a little nervous..." Oh boy, they jumped all over that opportunity to say that I wasn't "cut-out" for this if I was nervous---as if everyone who auditions isn't nervous!! So then I saw a promo a couple weeks ago of some guy saying that he was so nervous his knees were shaking, and J Lo says to him, "Don't worry, honey, we like you and we want you to succeed." What a kick to the groin. Maybe they did that on purpose, because I emailed them, just kidding, but it feels like it. I just really dislike them now. How hard would it have been for them to just send me to Hollywood? Oh well...

So there you go...there's my rant. I hope they don't show my audition, though, because maybe I was worse than I thought!!! They didn't say anything about my singing though, just a poor excuse about my nerves...lame. I wish I could have mastered them, but I feel like they would have said no anyway. So, I guess I did choke, but I did the best I could at that given time. Tried my hardest...just never good enough :( I think I need to find my value outside of others' opinions, and perhaps that is the lesson I need to learn...

On the plus side, the experience was a blast up until that point. Plus, Bradford said the nicest thing to the camera as we were leaving, "My sister made friends with everyone in that room, and that's the real kind of Idol I want for my kids." Love you, Bubby. He said I inspired him to go for his dreams too, and not to be afraid to fail, so I'm glad they came and it was worth it :)

Happy Birthday Tommy Jr.

2010-12-09T12:46:00.000-08:00

Happy Birthday Angel!

Tommy's birthday celebration was so beautiful. Uncle Michael read his poem and I sang a special song, "Tell Him" by Lauryn Hill, and everyone got to see the beautiful grave stone (Thanks Nick) marking the whole in my heart and in the ground where Tommy's body was laid to rest. We wrote notes and tied them to white balloons, (except for the one from his cousin Caden, who is convinced that Tommy's favorite color is orange...so cute!) and let them go up to heaven.

Afterward, we went to Pizza Factory and had cake and ice cream. When it was time to go home, there I sat with an untouched cupcake with one candle in it... 'What am I gonna do with this?' Just then, I heard my sweet niece Monet say, "Mmmm" with her little voice and her eyebrows raised, and I knew what I wanted to do with it. She had already

had some cake, but the opportunity to watch a sweet little baby get their very own cupcake was still there, even though Tommy wasn't. I cried as I watched her light up when I gave it to her and while she ate it--- getting all good and messy. It was so sweet, so bittersweet.

That night, Tom and I went to the temple, where we found Tommy Jr's bracelet that had been lost, and I cried and thanked Heavenly Father for that birthday present to me!!

"Tell Him"

Let me be patient, let me be kind
Make me unselfish without being blind.
And though I may suffer, I'll envy it not
And endure what comes, cause he's all that I go t and tell him.

Tell him I need him. Tell him I love him, and it'll be alright.
Tell him it'll be alright. Yes, I will we alright.

Now I may have faith to make mountains fall,
But if I lack love, I am nothing at all.
And I can give away everything I possess,
but without love, I'd have no happiness.
And I know I'm imperfect, and not without sin
but now that I'm older all childish things end and tell him.

Tell him I need him. Tell him I love him, and it'll be alright.
Tell him. It'll be alright. Oh it'll be alright.

And I may have wisdom and knowledge on earth,
but if I speak wrong, then what is it worth?
See all that we know now is nothing compared
To the love that was shown when our lives were spared,
So tell Him...

Tell Him we need Him. Tell Him we love Him.
And we will be alright. Tell Him. It'll be alright.
Yes, we will be alright. Ooh, just tell Him...
(I changed the last verse to "we" instead of "I")

Mila's Birthday

2010-11-02T11:38:00.001-07:00

Happy Birthday to my sweet 5 yr old Mita Mila! We had a Hello Kitty party with some girlies from the neighborhood and her cousin Livis, and they were so cute! Tom and I took Mila to Olive Garden on her actual birthday (Oct. 13th) and we also went with some cousins to "Pooter rides" which is Hollywood Connection the Monday before. So she got to have 3 birthdays, which she very much enjoyed!

My favorite quote would have to be when we opened her Moon Sand from Tayland and TT Jo and she squished her hands in it and squeeled, "It's so soft and full of love!" Adorable.

In a close second, was at Olive Garden, she got full kinda early off of root beer and sat for a few minutes and then let out a huge burp, "That's what I was waiting for!" she said, and then she could finish her dinner.

I just can't believe she's 5! She is our life, and I am so thankful we have her!!! :) There is no way my life could be complete without her. Being Mila and Tommy's mother has taught me the most about love and patience and all the many virtues I am striving to acquire in this life.

And although I am anxious to write about Tommy's first birthday too, since it was such a big deal for us... you can see from this picture I can't neglect this little smile right in front of me and thank Heavens, in my arms. I want this post to be just for her, and to express how wonderful she is and how blessed I feel to have her! When we found out that Tommy had died, my sweet Tom said that we could take all that love and devotion and energy and focus it toward Mila. I hope I'm doing enough, but I know I could do better. She is the most hilarious, smart, artistic, silly, loving, obnoxious, creative, clever, darling, and loyal girl to me. I love you with all my heart, baby.

Mila's mouse dream

2010-09-17T21:36:00.000-07:00

So, Mila wanted to tell me her dream from last night:
"Mom, there was a box on the floor at the store, and a mouse jumped out of it... up on to a shelf and the police said, 'You can poop here or you can poop in your room!'"

Happy :)

2010-09-06T07:10:00.001-07:00

Just a quick note to say how happy and blessed I feel! The Lord really knows us, and just cradles us in the palms of His hands. It is so interesting how you have certain expectations of how your life will be, and then He shows you another way, even a better way. But it's just for you, it's all unique to each of us. I'm so grateful for prayer and that we have the Holy Ghost to touch out hearts and tell us what is right for us. I just love my friends and family so much and everyone I meet, and I hope that if anybody reads this that you just keep doing the best you can! Your Savior will make up the difference. Just rely on Him. Trust Him. Let Him help you and be your guide, and He will help us be more like Him.

Relay For Life

2010-07-13T10:00:00.000-07:00

It was very touching to see the people who came to support us at the Relay. I know there were also many others who wanted to but couldn't. My childhood friend Kimmy Ernst had the idea to start the team and did so much to make it awesome! Thanks Kimmy, I love you.

The first time I walked around the track I cried. When Bradford showed up a couple hours in (he was at rehearsal) he pretty much cried the whole time, but it was good for him. I worry about him a lot, because he is struggling so much. His soul mate is gone from sight, but she is not far at all I just know it. I feel her presence around these kids.

Tay Tay said today, "I wish me and sis could die, so that we could be with my Mommy." Oh, my heart!!! I told him that even though we don't see her, she is with us. He said, (this is so cute) "I know. I hear that a lot." He also said, "I will never stop crying until she is resurrected." They are beautiful, strong children. It about broke my heart a week ago when Bradford needed to leave them with us and chocking back tears, Talitha Jo said so bravely, "Daddy, you need to take care of yourself." She amazes me.

All the money raised went to the American Cancer Society, but we had one anonymous donor who offered to donate money directly to Bubby and his kids for every hour we walked, so with the help of many great family and friends we walked all night long. It was beautiful... just like you Heather Jo.

Trio to trio :)

2010-06-20T13:25:00.000-07:00

Well, here we are. Heather's been gone 1 month, and the kids are doing better than I expected...they are so amazing. Talitha Jo is such an example of courage and strength. I have been taking care of them a lot, especially about 2 weeks ago when Bradford hit a low and couldn't get out of bed for about 5 days. But then last weekend he called me and said that he had a visit from Heather. I probably shouldn't put something so special on here, but I believe him and I'm so grateful to God for letting her come just to hold his hand for a few moments. It gave him the strength he needed to go on. They called me yesterday, because Bubby gave them their treasure boxes that I ordered with the recorded voice messages from their Mommy. Bubby said when Tay Tay heard her voice, his eyes filled up with tears and then he just cried and cried. I think that was really good for Tayland, not that I want him to be sad, but I was just so happy that he remembers and misses her. I promised her he would. He said, "How would we make it through these without these?" So sweet. TT Jo called me crying, to thank me for the gift, and I told her that she means everything to her mommy. She drew me a picture of an angel with wings and a halo holding a baby angel and it says "Hether" and "Tomy" it is a treasure. I've been so worried about Bradford and his kids, but this weekend I realized how much I miss Heather. I feel like life is cruel at times to go on as if everything is fine, when we are missing these special people and part of ourselves, really (Tommy). How do people do this? They just do, I guess. I can't express how grateful I am for my knowledge that this life is just a tiny part of eternity. I wonder if we knew it would be this hard. I'm also learning that Christ can heal us and sanctify us through our hardships. "Fear not" he says to me, and I trust him.

Missing you...

2010-05-06T07:56:00.000-07:00

Missing you...

We ordered a beautiful gravestone for you with an engraving of Jesus holding a baby. We had to get it just right when there were a few mistakes, so it won't be ready in time for Memorial Day, but we'll go visit your grave anyway and put some perfect white roses on it.

~ Love you forever. ~

Families Forever

2010-04-25T13:05:00.000-07:00

So, I haven't yet blogged about my brother and his sweet wife... She has brain cancer, and after 4 and a half years of fighting, she has stopped responding to treatment. She doesn't have much time left now. My heart just aches for all of them: her, my brother, and especially the kids. I believe, however, that she will be a force for good in their lives after she is gone just as she has been all along. She will still be their mommy, and she will be able to accomplish things for her family's salvation that none of us here on earth can. I told Talitha Jo, their 8-yr-old, that having Tommy Jr. in heaven has blessed us so much.
I heard this quote I love, and it is SO TRUE, "The best way to have heaven in your home is to have someone from your home in heaven."

I dread the time when I will have to tell Tay Tay (he's 4) that he can't see Mommy anymore. I will just hold him as he cries, and that pain will break our hearts together. But who better can tell him without any doubt that he will see her and hug her again? It makes sense that my big trial (since it had to happen some time) had to come before this, so that I would be prepared to strengthen them in their time of mourning. I can't describe how tender everything is. I long for my son, and Heather will be with him while I am here with her's. It is so bittersweet. It feels like the scriptures that talk about the Lord refining and purifying us through fire. It's crazy to me is that everybody at some point in their lives has to experience something that shakes them to the core...well I think they do...??? Anyway, one thing I'm learning is to be sensitive and try not to assume anything or judge anybody. But that's another post I suppose...
I love my family :)

Life...

2010-04-22T09:15:00.000-07:00

Well, I guess that was wrong of me to assume that I'd never have anymore trials in my life...duh. I didn't mean that to sound bitter, just like 'what was I thinking?' I just thought that this baby was our blessing for being faithful. I thought that Tommy Jr. was sending a sibling to us to help me know that I am still meant to be a mother. People tell me, and I'm sure it's true, that the body miscarries when something is not right and it's a 'good' thing. I don't know if there was anything wrong or not, but I know that I regret thinking it was too soon when I found out I was pregnant (I know I didn't cause it, of course, I'm just sayin.) I guess I am feeling sorry for myself and that is wrong, but it just hurts. I don't know when the spirit enters the body, and I was only 7 weeks along, so I don't feel like I lost a child---and it doesn't compare to losing little Tommy---but I was in love with the idea, and I did love that little tiny heartbeat I saw just one hour before I miscarried. We were hopeful that everything would be fine, that I was just bleeding and cramping, but we had a little fighter in there. Again, I don't think there was a spirit in the developing embryo, but I thought there was a Spirit assigned to that forming body...you know? Is it possible with this being my third miscarriage, that I have 4 children waiting for me??? I cannot allow myself to think I've lost 4 children! And early miscarriages are so common (1 in 4 pregnancies) that I think it would be too many of God's children to never get to come to earth to think that a forming embryo has a Spirit... (Sperm move around and are living, but they don't have a Spirit) But does this mean I have to also experience a miscarriage at 14 weeks to fully understand the spectrum? And then I would think there was probably a spirit... and would it have another chance, or would that be it's body like my perfect little Tommy...??? Who knows. I can't help but feel like some of this is a punishment for my getting turned off at people saying, "oh ya, my wife had a miscarriage" when they found out about Tommy. He was my living baby...he would have been just fine if I would have had him before the cord got twisted. I see these little premies that live, and how in the world could someone justify aborting a perfectly healthy baby---any baby of course--- but I just don't see how that is not cold-blooded murder. Don't get me started on that...I hate to even think about it. And if something ever happened to Mila, I would, in fact, die. These are just my thoughts... I do find peace in knowing that God is in charge. I am learning so much. Tommy Jr. has been THE biggest blessing in our lives. He is so precious to us, and I feel so blessed that I never have to worry about his salvation. I don't deserve that, but you bet I'll accept it!!! Everything is ok and life is good, I just needed to express some thoughts and I hope that will help me continue to heal.

STACK TOOT!

2010-03-25T13:14:00.000-07:00

"Mom and Dad, come play this new game. I made it up. It's called Stack Toot."

She then directed Tom to lay face down on the ground, then me, then she climbed on the top and then ... yep, she ripped one.

"I win, cause I pooted first! I told you that's why it's called Stack Toot."

It was a proud moment I must admit :)

Oh, and Tom came in second place... I guess I was a little off my game.

"Best Tea Party Ever"

2010-03-05T07:26:00.001-08:00

Yesterday Mila and I spent the entire day in our pajamas just playing. It was a bit warmer, so we played in the basement for hours having a tea party with water and Spree candies. At one point Mila said "This is the best tea party ever!" Made my day :) She also said, after putting candy in her cup and letting in turn the water different colors, "That was heck good." A few days ago, we went to the Discovery Gateway with some friends and her cousin Tay Tay. On the way home she said to him, "I love you Tay Tay. I love you more than my mom." It was so cute and funny :)

Here's a message from her:
jhyoiyufghhhhgujhgtrhgjikjgsghyuyhgnikumilaggvtyujhfrtyumnbghuhinvhghjmbgnbhbkiuhng
fjgfyhnbvhgdoddaddddghgjnhgdadiohkkinggxzdhfggtrgf**/-+/*ryffyyt7yhyyhyugy (There's a "mila" in there somewhere)

I love that little girl! I love cuddling in bed with her at night and watching her learn. She is so smart, and it's so rewarding. These last few days have been pretty great. Tom and I decided to read our scriptures in the morning at breakfast rather than at night, in bed half-asleep sometimes. Tom has been so awesome lately, really making an effort to express his feelings, and it's made my life so much better!!!! Love you babe! I sure miss my little Tommy, but God is blessing me with strength and I am so grateful for that. Here's to another good day!

I bloggy

2010-02-27T08:06:00.000-08:00

I'm a blogger? I guess I'm a blogger now. I have been doing so much better the last couple days, I'm sure in large part due to a talk I had with Tom. It was long overdue and MUCH needed! :) I sure love him! Won't go in to detail, some things are only meant for my written journal, you know...but I'm planning on printing my blog into a book yearly since I don't scrapbook. Great idea, eh? I have the most wonderful family and friends, and they strengthen me so much. I wish they knew how important they are. Yes, life is so hard, and sometimes it is too much. But I will not give up, and I know there are amazing people around me who are making the same commitment in their lives. I have no doubt that our prayers for our loved ones are answered as I have felt them for me. Thanks, Lord, for letting me have some good days and helping me to find joy in helping others. I love my Savior, family, and friends so much!

Grateful :)

2010-02-25T07:46:00.000-08:00

Today I am so thankful for my angel baby who was pure enough to go straight to Heaven. Wow. What a blessing that I don't ever have to worry about that! He doesn't ever have to suffer. He won't experience the guilt and pain from sin. I'm so thankful to my Heavenly Father for letting me have him for a son. I'm so proud of you Tommy Jr. and I can't wait to tell you that in person :)

Also, just a thought on another matter: I don't believe that we will never see our loved ones after we die if they do not choose the same path we do. That is not what the gospel teaches, but I think some people innocently and mistakenly assume that's what it means to go to different kingdoms. I believe we get sealed in the temple to get more of us in God's presence in the Celestial Kingdom. He wants to give us all those blessings, and we have to help each other get there. If someone chooses otherwise, it is their privilege to do so, because God gave us our agency. But we can still see them!!! It wouldn't be Heaven otherwise, huh! I know I don't understand everything, but i do not think God would keep us from our loved ones, no matter what our choices in this life are.

And I think sometimes people who hear about "mormons" and their sealing in the temple think we are elitists, but we are not, or at least we shouldn't be (try not to think of anyone in particular...then you might be judging too, right? he he.) That's why I always say I'm a member of the Church of Jesus Christ. It is His Gospel and He wants everyone to have it.

(Hope this wasn't too preachy for anyone...but it's just me, and I think it will help me to read these thoughts later. I love everyone.) And one of these days I'll not feel the need for these little disclaimers!

When the shock wears off...

2010-02-22T08:52:00.000-08:00

Recently, I'm finding that I'm not doing so well. In fact, I'm really struggling, badly. I finally got myself an appointment with a counselor this week. I am experiencing emotions that I did not expect, and it is very upsetting. Things like, "How could I ever take care of another baby when I'm not a good enough mother in the first place?" and being scared to death to have another child. Struggling with knowing how to best take care of my daughter...how to love and serve others when I don't love myself...how to know when I just need more faith... Feeling like everyone expects me to be functioning at full capacity. I buried him. I labored and pushed and held his limp, lifeless, body and never got to see his eyes or hear him cry. I held his head up when blood streamed from his nose, because the plates of his head were not fused properly. I watched in horror, as his body could not stand the elements and finally I had to lay him to rest. My heart was pulverized. Sometimes I want to hide in my room and not come out---not accept any responsibilities. I feel so so guilty for wanting any kind of attention or sympathy. And for a moment that I wish it was still right after the funeral, so that nobody would expect me to be "normal." I feel like a loser that I am putting these things on a blog and secretly hoping for any kind of sympathy or understanding that I'm not ok. This is all much too personal, but I feel like the few close friends/fam who might read this have no idea that I feel like I'm dying and I can't always put on a smile and be my happy-go-lucky self. But sometimes I am ok and I even have fun with my friends and laugh, and it is so wonderful. And sometimes the Lord's mercy is extended to me and I feel peace and even joy in small and fleeting amounts. And I am so thankful for that. Lord, I am not mad or resentful. And I know everyone has their problems. And I am humbled. And perhaps this was a bad idea, and I'm embarrassed, and I don't know what to do. But I should be fine. And please if anyone reads this, don't feel obligated to comment, really.

Remembering...

2010-02-17T08:44:00.000-08:00

I don't know how I got through that day...only by the sweet grace of God. Now I really know that Jesus suffered not only for our sins but our heartaches too. It was borrowed strength. I have a hard time getting out of bed, knowing that the rest of the world has moved on. I am so grateful for the peace and comfort of the Holy Ghost. But it does not take away the sorrow and pain, nor would I want it too. If it didn't hurt, what would it mean? Your death has to mean something or life means nothing. We love you. Thanks for letting us feel your spirit and for watching over us. Thank you for being our angel. Thank you for showing us what God's love is.

Missing you,
Mommy and Daddy

Tender Mercies

2010-02-15T08:56:00.000-08:00

Last night at my sister Dixie's house, the sweetest thing happened... We were leaving and Dixie was holding her extra sweet little baby girl Monet, and she looked up at Tom and reached out her little chubby hand. "do you want Uncle Tom?" we said and she just stared at him. He went over and picked her up and she snuggled on him and patted his back. It absolutely broke our hearts and healed them at the same time. Watching him cuddle that baby was so sweet for me, I can't describe it. It made me want to give him a baby so badly. That little 8-month-old is so sweet and that was her, but I think it was from Tommy Jr. too. He loves his Daddy and his daddy loves him and I saw that last night. Thank you Lord.

2010-02-09T18:44:00.000-08:00

Lead me, guide me, walk beside me.
Help me find the way.
Teach me all that I must do
To live with you someday.

Silent Night. Holy Night.

2010-01-23T08:41:00.000-08:00

Silent night.
Holy night.
All is calm.
All is bright.
All the love of mother and child.
Holy infant so tender and mild.
Sleep in heavenly peace.
Sleep in heavenly peace.

Dear angel,

This Christmas meant more to me than any other. To think of Mary holding her precious baby. How her heart must have ached knowing His fate, but the joy she felt knowing her flawless little boy would save all mankind. You are like Him. Thank you for blessing me the way you have. I will work so hard to deserve you. I love you so much my heart literally aches like a piece of me is gone. My angel. My hope. My joy. My forever. My baby.

With all my broken heart,
Mommy

DisneyLand Trip...

2010-01-14T16:08:00.000-08:00

So Here are some shots from our little vacation we took in November...it was a good break for us :) Seeing Mila with the Princesses made the trip! It was just what we needed.

Angel Baby

2009-12-30T16:25:00.000-08:00

I miss you my sweetheart. A part of me is gone with you. I know one day I will hold you again, but I would give anything for that day to be today.

"Nut Boob" and "Oh, Scriptures What a Day" (the funniest video and cutest video EVER!!!

2009-09-09T09:37:00.000-07:00

This was several months ago, but it's hilarious!

Here's a more recent video---it's so adorable---she dressed herself up and was making up a song.

Treasure...

2009-03-24T11:59:00.000-07:00

I am realizing that if I'm waiting for the next thing to happen in life, then I'm just missing out! Life is always going to be unexpected and changing---the trick is to enjoy every moment, right? "Joy in the Journey"

I'm just so amazed and grateful for all the miracles in my life :) I am so blessed---Like being able to be home with Mila and watching my niece and nephew---they are so special to me. XOXO

2009-01-17T18:17:00.000-08:00

What a cutie, eh?

I love Tommy and the Mila.

Christmas was grrrrrrrreat in AZ!

I have a Facebook account.

I didn't end up making my blog private.

Um...I guess that's all for now.

EMAILS

2008-11-14T10:57:00.000-08:00

So I need ya'all to please post your emails here if I don't have them. Oh, and if your blog went private, can you please send me an invite at talithagarrison@hotmail.com again, because some expired...sorry.

(((Also, there are a bunch of your blogs that internet explorer says it can't find, is anyone else having this problem?)))

P.S. Mila threw a tantrum today and bit my boob.

Halloweenie

2008-11-07T11:43:00.000-08:00

Happy Halloween! Tom was hot as Captain Jack Sparrow and check out that gorgeous Cinderella! Ya, I know, it's the cutest thing I've ever seen too. So, I took her to a picture studio in that outfit to get some professional pics taken for Christmas gifts, and got a big canvas print for us, so I'm way excited to get those.

We're still finishing off the candy...

Woohoo it's fall!

P.S. Mila says "un" instead of "a" and I'm pretty sure it's cuz like a year ago when we went to the zoo and she wanted to see "a elephant" and I said "an elephant." It's really cute, "watch un movie, un piece of cheese, etc."

I love her so much :)

Burfday Update

2008-10-21T15:59:00.000-07:00

Mila is 3!!! We had a birthday party at my sister's house, and lots of Mila's cousins came to celebrate with us. Tom made pizzas, and I made cupcakes that look like they had green bird turds on them---mmm.

We went for her check-up today, and she's in the 30% for height and only in the 8% for weight. Dr. said that's fine; she's just petite.

My favorite things she says right now are "biff" instead of with, and "alligator" instead of escalator or elevator. Her latest things are bugging her cousin Tay Tay and throwing fits...look out terrible threes! Good thing she's so stinkin' cute, eh?

Good enough for me!

2008-09-25T13:32:00.000-07:00

So Emily and I had the best time trying out for that one singing show I like to watch...We met tons of cool people and just tried to make everyone laugh and feel good about themselves, cuz everyone was so nervous. I made it down to the final 75 peeps, but sadly only 32 got to see the celeb judges...so close! But I would not change a thing. When I came home after being there all day and had my little girl run up to me, I realized I already have everything I've ever dreamed of!!!
P.S. Tune in---the cameras were following us around and our semifinal audition was taped, so you never know who's gonna get made a fool of come January!

Big Girl Panties!

2008-09-22T13:39:00.000-07:00

My baby is such a big girl! And before her third birthday...phew! It took a ton of patience and a huge bag of peanut M&Ms and some "opskeem" (icecream), but we did it!

2008-08-12T08:11:00.000-07:00

No comment.

Tommy is the best!

2008-08-11T07:28:00.000-07:00

This is what I woke up to on my birthday...what a cute husband I have, eh? Seriously though, I think I am probably the luckiest girl in the world to have snatched such a loving, patient, forgiving, considerate, etc. etc. guy. Thanks babe.

Mila and I went swimming in the day, and then Tommy took me to Park City that night. It was an awesome b-day. Oh and I still haven't taken down the streamers (except the ones in the first picture that I had to break through)...

What matters

2008-07-31T07:57:00.000-07:00

I just felt like I should share my feelings about something. I think it is really easy to get caught up in things that take our attention away from what's really important. I had a bad feeling all day yesterday, because I think certain opportunities lately had me fantasizing (at best) about getting a big break or being on tv and all that crap. That's a bit embarrassing to admit. It's not what is going to make me happy! I don't understand why we care so much about other people's approval. My best friend told me that I am complete, and I don't need anyone else to tell me that. I think doing something because you love it and want to make people happy is a LOT different than wanting people to notice you and admire you.

I feel so much better after writing this for myself first of all, and if anyone reads it, I just hope it will be encouraging to YOU that you don't need other people to tell you that you are special and loved. God loves us more than we can imagine, and we are so precious to him the way my little Mila is so precious to me. I love Him and I'm so unbelievably grateful that I had this discovery and the peace that it's brought me.

The commercial

2008-07-16T21:19:00.000-07:00

This is the commercial I got to be in...yay! There's gonna be more of them too, so I am way excited :) It's a spoof on the Bourne Identity, and I'm kinda the Julia Stiles character. And yes, the guy in the pictures is Super Dell---the wierdo that used to own Totally Awesome Computers.

It was a real confidence booster for me, because the director and make-up artist were so complimentary and nice to me. Plus, I made lots of $$$ for a few hours of fun! Wahoo! I'm really stoked :)

So I finally updated my blog...kinda forgot I had one.

2008-06-07T09:51:00.000-07:00

What a Trip...
So we just got home from our trip to California! It was lots of fun, but Mila had a really hard time being away from home. I'm learning a lot as a first-time parent, so maybe I will plan better next time. She loved seeing the princesses at DisneyLand, but I totally turned into a little kid at Sea World---it was SO AWESOME! I almost cried during the Shamu show.

Sick!
Our last night in CA Mila got sick...big time bummer. So we headed to the next part of our trip in Arizona (where my family seems to be migrating) and Daddy went home. Afraid I would leave too, the phrase "Mommy hold you" seemed to be the only thing she said for a week. Then, on the day we came home I got sick...poop.

Home at last :)
My Dad used to say, "The best part about vacation is comming home." Ah Dad, you're always right. So, who wants to play with us? Call me!

Bye for now...I'll try to update soon :)

Hello friends and family!

2008-02-27T16:57:00.000-08:00

Hey Everybody!

I guess we have a blog...

Can you even believe that cute little girl?! Mila is 2-years-old and the cutest thing in the world! Life is great!

Tom is doing accounting work and (finally) finishing up school this year. I get to be a full-time mom, which is my dream-job, so I'm way happy and thankful for that! I'm so lucky to have them! Oh ya, and Mila's favorite color is green!